The Essentials: Empathy, Listening, and Questioning in Effective Coaching

A Practical Scenario: Conflict in the Workplace

Sarah, a marketing manager, was struggling with ongoing tension with her colleague, Tom. They were working on a major project, but communication breakdowns and frustration were jeopardising their progress. Sarah felt her input was ignored, while Tom believed he was being micromanaged. Recognising the escalating conflict, Sarah’s manager stepped in—not as a problem-solver, but as a coach—using empathy, active listening, incisive questioning, and emotional intelligence to guide Sarah through the issue.

Empathy in Action: Creating Understanding

The first thing Sarah’s manager did was create a safe and supportive environment by expressing empathy. Understanding that Sarah felt dismissed, the manager validated her feelings:

"I can see that you're feeling frustrated when your feedback isn’t acknowledged. That sounds really difficult.”

This empathetic approach, a core element of Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence model, helped Sarah feel heard and supported​

The World of Work Project

Her manager’s empathy encouraged her to reflect on Tom’s potential perspective, opening the door to mutual understanding and reducing defensive barriers.

Applying the Six Levels of Listening

To better understand the conflict, Sarah’s manager practiced deep listening. Referring to the six levels of listening from the World of Work Project​

The World of Work Project

The manager demonstrated:

1. Attentive Listening: Focused on the facts Sarah shared.
2. Empathic Listening: Connected with Sarah’s emotions.
3. Generative Listening: Helped Sarah envision potential resolutions.

By modeling these levels, the manager helped Sarah recognise where her own listening might be falling short in her interactions with Tom. This encouraged Sarah to practice empathic and generative listening during her next conversation with Tom, aiming to understand his concerns fully.

Emotional Intelligence: Developing Self-Awareness

Sarah’s manager also guided her to reflect on her emotional responses using Daniel Goleman’s five components of Emotional Intelligence (EI)​

The World of Work Project

1. Self-Awareness: Sarah recognised her frustration and assumptions.
2. Self-Regulation: She learned to manage defensive reactions.
3. Empathy: She practiced understanding Tom’s perspective.
4. Social Skills: She developed strategies for clearer communication.

This EI-based approach helped Sarah manage her emotions effectively, improving her ability to engage constructively with Tom.

Incisive Questioning: Challenging Limiting Assumptions

To help Sarah break free from her assumptions, her manager used Nancy Kline’s Incisive Questions™​(incisive-questions). They worked through these steps together:

1. Identify the Limiting Assumption:
   • “What are you assuming that’s limiting your ability to work with Tom?”
     Sarah responded: “I’m assuming Tom doesn’t value my expertise.”
2. Challenge the Assumption:
   • “Is that assumption true?”
3. Create a Liberating Alternative:
   • “What if Tom values your expertise but feels overwhelmed?”
4. Formulate the Incisive Question:
   • “If you knew Tom respected your input, how would you approach your feedback differently?”

This incisive questioning process helped Sarah reframe the situation, leading her to engage with Tom in a more open and solution-oriented way.

Outcome: Conflict Transformed into Collaboration

Thanks to her manager’s coaching approach, Sarah gained the tools to:

• Understand her emotions and assumptions.
• Listen deeply to Tom’s perspective.
• Ask incisive questions that challenge assumptions and open dialogue.

In their next conversation, Sarah listened empathetically and shared her feedback constructively. Tom, feeling heard and respected, reciprocated by explaining his concerns. The result? Improved communication, restored collaboration, and a healthier work dynamic.

Conclusion: The Power of Manager-as-Coach

By applying empathy, active listening, emotional intelligence, and incisive questioning, Sarah’s manager facilitated a meaningful resolution to workplace conflict. This coaching approach not only resolved the immediate issue but also empowered Sarah with skills for future challenges, fostering a culture of growth and collaboration.

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